5. Plant Parenthood, Pet Parenthood, Planned Parenthood
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Is this Lulu’s Adoption Story?
One of the questions Nico and I get most as a married couple is when we want to have children. From even before we eloped, it was a hot topic that came up almost every time we saw our parents. We often dusted it off with a ‘first step, dog’ comment.
I remember when we had both just finished our Master’s, money was tight and my father was visiting. We were walking around the Botanical Gardens in Amsterdam and discussing the decision of many millennials to delay or abstain from having offspring. He insisted that there never really was a right time to have a child and you just had to take the leap when you were young and had energy (i.e. as soon as possible - I was 25). I responded by saying I did not have enough extra income to buy new clothes and barely rent, let alone support a new human with all kinds of needs that I was not prepared for in any way. He said, no one ever truly feels ready, which I am not sure I believe.
A couple of weeks ago Nico and I decided to extend our little family with a puppy. We have talked about it for years, deciding to wait until we had sufficient space and a garden to avoid hating our lives every morning in an apartment. In NL it is difficult to adopt a dog from within the country, due to mandatory sterilization laws, stray pets are harder to come by and adoption qualifications are high. Thus, with it’s colonial instincts, NL partnered up with other countries to import unwanted pets to the idyllic land of extremely pet friendly living (There is even a National Pet Day, where everyone spoils their fur babies!). I was scrolling through a few of these Pet Adoption groups a few weeks ago on Nico’s Facebook and found Lulu (originally named Layla). My heart strings tugged, she was so cute and it felt right even though we still live in a walk-up and said we would wait. It was almost 2am, Nic and Elvis were fast asleep and I was up, a bit stoned and having serious puppy fever.
I filled out an application form, not thinking much would happen - I had done this before a few times and due to our lack of garden - we never made it to the interview stage. It was different this time, not only did we get an interview - we got the puppy.
There are different levels of parenthood, and although it is often mocked by parents of humans - I do not think pet parenthood is anything to be scoffed at. As described in a heartbreaking edition of Haley Nahman’s newsletter Maybe Baby, a pet is “the texture to our lives”. To those who choose to not have children, animals become a very close second. Even caring for plants fills a similar maternal/paternal gap in our lives for some people. One friend recently confided that she jokingly called her growing collection of plant babies ‘grandchildren’ in a video chat with her mother and her mother’s less than enthused reaction. We chatted about the disappointment many of our parents carry for us choosing tamer versions of children. Also, how their desire for human family expansion is based purely on the desire for that expansion. Even though it comes from a place of love, they are missing out on the ability to connect in another way that celebrates other forms of parenthood and can be just as fulfilling, depending on personalities.
Oscillation
Years ago in another life, I was seeing someone casually and we chose to meet up in New Orleans for a weekend of Mardis Gras. In an absinthe-drunken moment and surrounded by the best jazz of my life, he said that my decision to be child-free would be altered in my late 20’s (where I currently am) due to a hormonal change in the body. I was livid, I think I even slapped him. How dare he say such a sexist comment, that women’s bodies were programmed to only give birth. Once he said that, the floodgates opened, I started hearing that comment everywhere. It still frustrates me, even when I noticed it start to happen last year.
When my best friend and her spouse became pregnant during covid (first of my friends to do so) - it was scary, this unknown, super intimidating step in life that no one fully prepares you for. I tried to be a beam of support throughout it - providing (probably annoying) research when I could, lending an ear, maybe being a bit too much like Ted in How I Met Your Mother. My Virgo Rising and OCD kicked in, tied in with my background in Academia and obsession with wellness - I was frothing with all the potential for planning and organization. To Nic’s complete shock, I planned out our entire birth possibilities, proper supplementation, pinterest boards filled with Hatch outfits and moses baskets, it was absurd. Covid also sparked quite a baby boom, and soon, Nic had multiple pregnant clients. He began intensive research into how they should train, eat and adjust their lives accordingly for their bodies and minds to stay healthy during the process (not in a mansplaining way, I feel I should point out). We found ourselves cooing at babies in the park, wondering what names we would choose (my nine months of hell = my last name) and where we would want to raise them (literally all over the world). It was scary for us, two people who had officially decided we did not want children, to have this hormonal switch in opinion. We were a bit freaked out by it. However, we also knew that as we saw our friends becoming parents, that we just do not have the strength required to do it, at least for a while, maybe ever.
The Doomsday Spiral
Nico and I look at our furbabies and plantbabies as real babies. For us, they are our children, and for now it is enough. When we were preparing for Lulu we dove into YouTube to learn how to introduce a new pet into a family. Having raised Elvis as the centre of our world - which I would be very careful not to repeat with a human, we were left with a cat who has very severe Only Child Syndrome. His jealousy is spiked even when he sees me pet another animal through the living room window or in the countryside when I cuddle the animals of neighbours. We had to ensure that this change in our family dynamic went as smoothly as possible, and neither of them would pee on the tatami. Along with the movement of our plantbabies to safer, out of reach locations, whilst still having access to the right amount of light and placement near companion plants. To Nic and I, this is the type of family planning we can handle at this time in our lives.
A couple of weeks ago we were speaking with a family friend of Nic’s, we had chosen not to tell anyone other than a small handful of friends about Lulu, but our excitement spilled over and it rolled off our tongues. As we said the words “we have big news” her face lit up a thousand Christmases so we were a bit shocked after we said “we are getting a puppy” and her face was wiped of every emotion. I had never seen disappointment so clear. Her next few words were along the lines of how much work a puppy can be, although she was supportive and did ‘awe’ at photos of Lulu. After the phone call Nic turned to me and said: “How is it that every time we mention a puppy to any ‘real’ adults in our lives they express just how much work it is to be a dog parent but then pressures us to become human parents (or if not pressure, at least bring it up to confirm that yes it is not in our current plans, instilling a tinge of guilt). If we are deemed not ready to be dog parents according to the adult parents in our lives - why on earth do they think we are ready to become human parents?” Even with plants, my dad always advised me to start slow and not overwhelm myself with a forest of constant plant care, but then brought up how it is never the right time to have a child so taking the leap sooner than later is better, and ever so casually mentions the possibilities of grandchildren in conversations.
Especially in today’s age where climate disaster is a real concern (as are future climate wars, mass migrations, etc..), childcare is at an all time high, housing is unaffordable for the vast majority, and there is a huge lack in community in the raising of kids compared to what it was like in the past. But again, if you live in a safe and wealthy country, this is the best time to have a child in terms of gender fluidity, unlearning toxic masculinity and the dismantle of patriarchy being taught in most alternative schools, awareness of LGBTQIA+, just the ability for our children to be whomever they want (as safe spaces hopefully continue to grow). However, this is just the 1%, most of the world has not reached that point yet and this will become even clearer as the Earth grows more impatient with the damage humans have done to her.
The general anxiety instilled in the current human parents of our planet, the pressure to prepare their children for any possible outcome of climate disaster, I mean, it is a lot and it is enough to make a lot of people rethink if it is even worth it. While it can also be rightly argued that climate change is more linked to overconsumption than overpopulation, they are not really mutually exclusive either.
Ugh I am spiraling. Hopefully you understand my point, or at least my spiral.
Nuancing
Being any type of parent, whether plant, animal or human, requires learning the nuances of your children. Every morning I know I (Nico) needs to take Lulu out immediately, I know Elvis would rather we all cuddled longer instead. I know some of my plants need water, others need some leaf strokes, and others need some more light, some more warmth or a spritz. All of them need some soothing music, the furbabies need their breakfast, I need my hot lemon water and morning foam roll, Nico needs his coffee and his cold shower (and phone). As we work through our newfound routines as a family of four, I am grateful, but also defensive (and frustrated about that defensiveness) - that for us, this is what is what we can handle right now, and that is and should be considered okay. For those who can handle more, you are goddesses reincarnate and I bow down.
My citrus babies and my three jasmine (two winter, one etoile), are my most high maintenance plants to date. They require twice daily check-ins and I check the soil moisture every time my eyes glance in their direction. As of now, between spraying for caterpillars, aphids, and ensuring proper fertilization, they are more high maintenance than Lulu and Elvis combined. Being a plant parent is no joke. My father has a binder packed with a few inches of detailed paperwork and photographs for the terrified lucky soul who wishes to use the pool for the summer in exchange for taking care of the perpetuating rare flower forest he has cultivated over many years. Said plant caregiver normally has a breakdown halfway through summer and sometimes a replacement is needed. I kid, kind of.
Watching how my fur babies are learning to relate to each other warms my heart in a way I did not know possible, even though sometimes Lulu still barks and Elvis’ tail grows to the size of his body. And when my plants thrive, they tap my shoulder as I walk by, or graze the top of my head in a gentle thank you. They say when you give birth, a whole new part of your brain grows, and your heart grows too. I think that this can also happen on a different level with your chosen family, no matter what it consists of.
I apologize for the lack of overall plant photographs in this article, Lulu has dominated my phone photos this past week - I will be back with more plant-photo-filled newsletters in the coming weeks. Also more Elvis too, since he can completely sense his lack of presence in my current photo stream and is peeing in my wasabi plant as punishment.
Some things nourishing me this week:
This moment
Not this moment
I moved Judy (Monstera) to a North-facing room and she is much happier, therefore making myself much happier
A visit from my sister after a too long pandemic separation, indoor museum fatigue lighting is the best lighting really…
A surprise Rodin at the Van Gogh Museum - impossible to take a flattering photo of but still mesmerizing
My discovery of Blue Java Bananas and now that I know about them I must grow a tree.
Finally getting to try a Lily Bronson candle, it smells like the lovechild of heaven and autumn
Thank you so much for your patience with my word vomit on parenthood this week <3 wishing you some hygge vibes as we stretch into November, see you next week for more plant adventures!
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